Tarz & Jane, Cheetah & Boy
[Something Weird]

1975; color

Directed by Itza Fine

Starring: Patrick Wright, Tally Wright & Georgina Spelvin


Tarzun And The Valley Of Lust
[Something Weird]

1970; color

Directed by W.P. Mogul

Starring: Duane Prodd, Iris Robin & Dee Dee

These two takes on Tarzan offer two of the lamest kings of the jungle to ever roam… well, the jungle. First up is the 1975 production Tarz & Jane, Cheeta & Boy, which bears similarity to Bob & Carol, Ted & Alice in parody title only. With a physique that intimidates no one and hair that looks like it was stolen from Gary Glitter's dressing room, Tarz is one sorry jungle ruler. He keeps getting his ass kicked by Cheeta, the resident "ape" (AKA guy-in-a-gorilla-suit) who also happens to have a thing for Tarz's main squeeze, Jane. She's a piece of work too, wearing platforms throughout the entire film and sporting a nicely tuned perm. Boy doesn't seem to be their son, just a dimwitted guy a couple decades younger than Tarz who happens to live with them in their treehouse (whose interior is about as well appointed as the sets in an Ed Wood movie and is accessible not only by vine but by aluminum ladder.) While Tarz and Jane are getting it on, Boy goes swimming in what looks like the lagoon from Gilligan's Island and is menaced by a crocodile. Tarz comes to the rescue and, in the heat of battle with one of the cheesiest fake crocs ever set afloat, gets his package bitten off. Needless to say, this is bad news for Tarz and even worse for Jane. She tries to get a little Boy action but, sadly, he's too quick on the draw to satisfy her needs. Jane somehow runs into a socialite-type woman on safari (played by '70s adult film legend Georgina Spelvin), who tells her about a tribe called the Wango-Wango who are said to posses certain kinds of magical powers that can re-grow what's been chopped off. Then everyone's off to Wango-Wango land—even the gorilla—so Tarz can get an addadicktome. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.) Unfortunately, the normally peaceful tribesmen (who are so over-stereotyped they seem straight out of Hollywood Shuffle's Black Acting School; I even think there was a white guy with a 'fro covered in black paint but I could be wrong) are in a violent mood, because their treasure's been stolen, so they capture the whole crew. After reclaiming their aforementioned stolen loot from the safari woman, the Wango give Tarz the healing voodoo he needs to rise again (ahem) and soon enough Tarz is back to givin' Jane the jungle lovin' she craves. Feeling 100% man once more, our hero decides it's time to go for a swim… but that pesky croc puts the bite on Tarz yet again, leaving open the possibility of a sequel.

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse we get Tarzun And the Valley Of Lust, a 1970 flick that clocks in at a scant 48 minutes. (But seems like an eternity.) This time around the production values don't just drop, they take a free-fall dive off a cliff. Tarzun spends most of his time protecting Jane from a horny gorilla (in an even cheaper ape suit than the guy in the first flick); Tarz looks more like a young hippie surfer dude and Jane, who's sporting some vicious tan lines that don't match up with her loincloth, is a platinum blonde. Most of the dialogue seems to be dubbed and the way it's set up, in conjunction with the camera shots, made me think of Doris Wishman. The threadbare plot involves more embarrassingly stereotyped natives, including a jungle version of Angela Davis who ends up giving Tarzun a blowjob to soothe his hurting wiener. (He swung dick first into a tree.) One of the most amusing things about this movie is that no one seems to know the name of the star; the jungle girl calls him Carzan, Jane calls him Carzan AND Tarzan, and Tarzun calls himself Tarzan.

This DVD also has a ton of extras, most of which are better than the features. First up is a 45-minute "featurette," titled Karzin In Cuba. This black and white number was supposedly smuggled out of Cuba in 1960, but I suspect they were intentionally looking the other way when this trickled out under their noses. An all-girl orchestra is shipwrecked on what they think is a deserted island, only to be "rescued" by Karzin. ("Tarzan was my father.") As it turns out, they're actually on a regular old Caribbean island and Karzin is actually a ranch foreman named Joe. It takes 40 minutes for this to happen and there are plenty of mis-adventures (and even more jungle natives) that fill the time along the way, but almost everyone ends up living happily ever after. The other extras are some wacky jungle-themed burlesque shorts and Mondo Africa scopitones, as well as the usual trailers and gallery of Harry Novak exploitation art and stills. If you're feeling muy adventurous—and you've got enough rum to tide you over—this disc offers nearly three hours of jungle fever. Edgar Rice Burroughs must be spinning in his grave.
—The Kommandant

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