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Island Fury
[Dark Sky Films]
1989; color
Directed by Henri Charr
Starring: Monet Elizabeth, Tanya Louise, Michael Wayne, Mike Jacobs, Joe Lombardo, Ross Hamilton, Hank Worden & Kirstin Baker
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Also released under the inexplicable title Please Don't Eat The Babies, Island Fury is a disjointed, poorly executed "shocker" that may or may not have needed to be unearthed and given a proper DVD release, but has. (Honestly I doubt this movie even had a proper theatrical release, and for good reason.) They needed something to pair up with Barracuda though I suppose so, uh, here we are. In the name of journalistic integrity... just kidding! I don't have any journalistic integrity. Mainly because I'm not a journalist, I'm a writer. Either way, I simply don't have time to watch another movie before Thursday's update so I will make an effort to detail some of the details of this monstrosity. The plot, if you can call it that, revolves around two girls who, when we first meet them, are spending a sunny day at an outdoor market, trying on assorted wares and generally wandering around aimlessly. Their casual outing soon takes on a sinister tone when two particularly sleazy scumbag types start following the girls and eventually kidnap them. Why? Because they're sleazy scumbags. Duh! Additionally, one or both of the sleazy scumbags have excellent vision, not only for spotting really badly dressed American girls in a "foreign" market, but discerning valuable coins from afar. And wouldn't you know it, one of the chickies has a necklace adorned with just such an item. As is always the case in these types of situations, they menace the girls for a bit then demand to know the origin of the coin. Just as typically, this leads to a bunch of flashbacks starting another whole subplot about the girls when they were ten years old and out on a boat with their sisters and their sister's boyfriends and they run out of gas or some kind of bullshit; then wind up on an island inhabited by a young boy and his grandparents, who we're supposed to infer are cannibals; then the older sisters drink some poison tea and their boat blows up... what does any of this have to do with the coin? I have no f'in clue. I fell asleep three times during this film. I have the feeling even if I hadn't, it still wouldn't have made sense. (The Kommandant, who didn't fall asleep during either attempt at watching the movie the whole way through in one sitting, confirmed this.) Not that this has anything to do with the story but, in my opinion, the producers made a huge mistake by not casting John Carradine in the role of the crazy old dude. So, you know, at least people who had to sit through / write about the movie could have said "John Carradine plays the crazy old dude" which, while not entirely unique, would have given us some sort of reason to remember it by. As it is we can only remember Island Fury because it's boring and sucks; neither of which are particularly good selling points.
—Bunny
(Read the Kommandant's review of Barracuda here.)
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